Same-sex love in classical Indian literature

It is often said by ignorant and/or homophobic people that same-sex relationship and love is a Western import. The term “Western” itself is an anomaly as it assumes that the West is a monolithic entity; but that’s another issue.
In this essay, I will reveal that same-sex relationship and love is not an alien import but rather has existed in Indian society throughout the ages [1]. That ironically, it was homophobia that was an import from the ‘West’ rather than homosexuality. Same-sex love has existed in Indian society and culture and this can be seen if one were to do a literature survey.

This essay will have three parts, each touching on the literature of era, each giving a sampling of the works of the particular era. You will notice that a lot of religious texts will be quoted as well as religious icons will be mentioned. The reason for this is that when one talks about Indian culture and literature, one cannot get away from the spiritual aspect. Indian society is deeply intertwined with it, be it with Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Jainism or Sikhism.


I. Ancient (Before 8th C) and Medieval (8th to 18th C) Sanskritic, Buddhist & Jain Traditions

Friendship & Marriage

Friendship between same-sex (predominantly between men) was often expressed in intimate terms. An example of this closeness is the relationship between Krishn and Arjun.

Krishn says to Arjun:

Thou art mine and I am thine, while all that is mine is thine also! He that hateth thee hateth me as well, and he that followeth thee followeth me! … O Partha, thou art from me and I from thee. (Vana Parva [2])

On the last night before returning to Dwarka:

Krishn of great energy proceeded to the apartments of Dhananjay [3]. Worshipped duly and furnished with every object of comfort and enjoyment, Krishn of great intelligence passed the night in happy sleep with Dhananjay as his companion. (Aswamed Parva [4])

So sacred was friendship that it used the same symbolism as the seven circambulations made around the sacred fire during a Hindu wedding. Saptapadam hi mitram or seven steps taken together constitutes friendship. Ram and Sugriv walked round the fire seven times to seal their friendship [5].

A prominent character in the Mahabharat, Bhisma, was actually quite against it. He said that a man goes to a woman “for the sake only of offspring” as a one who overcomes all difficulties. He also mentioned that sex and marriage came when the human race degenerated.

In the five books of the Panchatantra[6], what is to be noted is that all the characters (animals of different species) are male and form close friendships. In one story, friendship triumphs marriage.

Births Other Than Natural

The obvious heterosexual pairing is absent in various instances. Sometimes it takes the form of being born from the elements and sometimes from same-sex unions or designs. Sita (Ramayan) and Draupadi (Mahabharat) were born from the earth and fire respectively. Jarasandh was born as two halves from two women and later joined by a demoness (Mahabharat). Kartiki was born by Agni swallowing Shiv’s sperm and hence is also know is Skanda from the verb skandri [7] (Shiv Puran [8]). Ayappan was born out of the union between Shiv and Vishnu in the form of Mohini (Bhagawat Puran). The latter depicts the fluidity of gender. Ganesh was born outside of the womb (Shiv Puran).

Shiv ordered two women to have sex in order to have children after their husband died. Hence Bhagirath (meaning of the two vulvas) was born (Krittivas’s Ramayan).

Dual mothering is also another form free from same-sex pairing. Agni is also known as dwimatri or of two mothers. The gender of firesticks in Sanskrit is female. Friction, not penetration produces fire.

Here is the gear for friction, here tinder made ready for the spark.
Bring thou the Matron, we will rub Agni in ancient fashion forth.
Mortals have brought to life the God immortal
The sisters 10, unwedded and united, together grasp the Babe, the new born Infant.
(Rig Veda [9])

Sex Change

And then, among the many sex change stories, there are two that stand out – Sikhandi and Brihinala from the Mahabharat. Sikhandi was a woman in the previous birth reborn to avenge a wrong done to her. Popular TV depicts Sikhandi as an effeminate man. Bhisma recognised the woman in him and refused to wield a weapon against him. Bhisma said:

O joy of the Kurus, I will not use my arrows against a woman, one who was once a woman, one whose name is like a woman’s or one who resembles a woman. For this reason, I will not kill Sikhandi. (Mahabharat)

Brihinala was the name of Arjun when he, along with his brothers, spent their last year in exile in incognito. He was a hermaphrodite – he had a man’s physique with a woman’s disposition.

Apart from the above two, another transformation stands out – Vishnu in the form of Mohini. In addition, there was also a term kimpurush, a “what man” – a being that would be a man in one month and a woman in another.

Gender as a Construct

The Vimalakirtinirdesa, in Mahayana Buddhism, relates about a monk, who after being turned into a woman by a goddess and then back to a man, is asked whether he felt anything different, anything innate about being a woman. He reveals that nothing about gender is innate. The goddess explained:

Just as you are not really a woman but appear to be female in form, all women also appear to be female in form but are not really women. Therefore, the Buddha said that all are not really men or women … All things neither exist nor do not exist. The Buddha said there is neither existence nor non-existence.

If there is nothing innate about gender, then is heterosexuality the one and only way?

Patajali’s grammar [10] and Jain texts talk about the concept the third sex with various ambiguous subcategories such as kliba, pandaka and napunsak. These have been part of the Indian worldview for nearly 3,000 years.

Other examples of explicit same-sex love and desire

Jain philosopher, Sakatayana, in the Strinirvanaprakaran said that a person was capable of being aroused by the same-sex, opposite sex or even a non-human animal. Going further, Jain thinkers said that there were three types of desires – from men, women and the third sex. Hence desire was fluid and transient.

In the Manikantha Jataka [11], the King of Serpents falls in love with a young ascetic. After a while, when the King is gone, the young ascetic grew pale from missing him.

The Kamasutra [12] specifically caters for all inclinations. The book is instructional and not prescriptive. It says that one should act according to local customs and one’s own inclinations and desires. It specifies three types of genders – pums prakriti, stri pakriti and tritiya prakriti – men, women and the third sex. The third sex was further broken down to various categories which included manly and effeminate gays and manly and effeminate lesbians. It is interesting to note that the book says that manly gays who hid their desires fulfilled them by working as masseurs and hairdressers. It even describes how masseurs work their clients to a achieve orgasm for both of them.


II. Medieval Materials – Perso-Urdu Traditions

During this period, homoerotic men were mentioned in a non-pejorative way. There were poets who wrote about their love for adolescent boys, sultans in love with their male slaves and Sufi mystics who pined for their lord like female lovers. Gay men were well integrated into the culture of cities like Delhi.

An example of a long term relationship was that between poet Mukaram Baksh and Mukkaram. After the former’s death, the latter observed a period of mourning observed by widows.

Sufi mystics believe in personal experience not dogma. To them, same gender love could transcend sex and therefore not distract them from the ultimate aim of gnonsis. They would adopt a female persona in their poems and songs when writing about God.

Urdu poets neither celebrated or denigrated homosexual love to the exclusion of other types of passion. Marriage was seen as a legitimate sphere of sexual activity but not of experiencing erotic energies. As long as a man fulfilled his duties of a householder, he was free to seek sexual pleasure and emotional involvement elsewhere. Hence erotic commitment was not a threat to marriage. One poet, Abru [13], when to such an extent to reject heterosexuality saying:

He who prefers a slut to a boy, is no lover, only a creature of lust.
Here are some examples same-sex attraction, love and liaisons:

Amir Khusrao, mystic poet-musician, mourned his mentor’s, Chishti saint Shaikh Nizamuddin Aulia’s, death:

The beauty sleeps on the bridal bed, her tresses all over her face;
Come Khusro, let’s go home, for darkness settles all around.

Looking at the empty bed, I weep day and night
Every moment I yearn for my beloved, cannot find a moment’s peace.

He has gone, my beloved has crossed the river,
He has gone across, and I am left behind. …


Sultan Qutbuddin Khalji, like his father Alauddin Khalji, were in love with their slaves. Qutbuddin’s slave was Khusrao Khan. Wrote a writer of their times:

He often wanted to put a sword through the Sultan and kill him while he was doing the immoral act of publicly kissing him. This vile murderer of his father was always thinking of ways to kill the Sultan. Publicly he offered his body to the Sultan like an immoral and shameless woman. But within himself he was seething with anger and choking on a desire for revenge at the way the Sultan forced himself upon him and took advantage of him.

When hauled before a king to explain a charge against him for dancing with crossdressers, said the mystic Akhi Jamshed Rajgiri:

I do not want a crown, I do not want a throne. I only want to rub my forehead in the dust and dance with abandon over the earth. If the Sultan would show me favour, then I might be allowed to dance even upon the winds … Because those who denounce me are not real men in the spiritual sense, they cannot accept love with all its consequences in their hearts. Oh my love, there a thousand snares in every form; oh my love, one who is not a real man can never experience true love!

Mughal emperor Babur wrote in his memoirs the Baburnama:

I maddened and afflicted myself for a boy in the camp-bazaar, his very name, Baburi, fitting in. Up till then, I had had no inclination for any-one, indeed of love and desire, either by hear-say or experience, I had not heard, I had not talked. … One day during that time of desire and passion when I was going with companions along a land and suddenly met him face to face. I got into such a state of confusion that I almost went right off. To look straight at him or to put words together was impossible. With a hundred torments and shames, I went on.

When Mughal emperor Jehangir asked poet-scholar Mutribi Samarqandi whether a fair young man was more beautiful than a dark one, the latter replied when he saw a dark-skinned youth:

A Hindu boy stole my wretched heart
He stole its tranquillity and its calmness
My reason, my judgement, my endurance, my patience
All of these he stole with his laugh.

He then saw a fair-skinned youth and said:

O moon-faced beauty in this beautiful night
So astonishingly desirable in the light if the candle
You have stolen Mutribi’s heart altogether
With a wink, guilelessness, playfulness and amiability.
Do not tell me to look at the splendour of the perfumed plants
My heart is your captive, what do I need from there?



III. Modern Indian Materials (19th to 20th C)

There were basically two developments that occurred during this period. The first was the rise of the homophobic voice in literature and the second, the sexual love between women becomes more prominent while that between men is drastically reduced.

There are five words for homoerotically inclined women – dugana, zanakhe, sa’tar, chapathai and chapatbaz.

Rekhti, poetry written by male poets in the female voice and using female idioms, became prominent in the late 18th and 19th C but in the 20th C, its was labelled as obscene.

An example of women loving women can be seen below. This is not imitating heterosexual love. Although a dildo is mentioned, there is an emphasis on kissing, petting, passionate embraces and clitoral stimulation. Shaikh Qalandar Baksh puts it in the following words:

I’d sacrifice all men for your sake, my life,
I’d sacrifice a hundred lives for your embraces
How beautiful is it when two vulvas meet –
This is the tale they tell each other all the time:

The way you rub me, ah! …

When you join your lips to my lips,
If feels as if new life pours into my being,
When breast meets breast, the pleasure is such
That from sheer joy the words rise to my lips:

The way you rub me, ah! …

How can I be happy with a man – as soon as he sits by me
He starts showing me a small think like a mongoose --
I’d much rather have a big dildo
And I know you know all that I know …



It must be noted that in pre-colonial India, not a single person was ever executed for homosexual behaviour. In contrast, gays were vilified, tortured and/or executed. In 1860, the anti-sodomy law came into being and incorporated in the Indian Penal Code (Section 377). While this proved to be progressive for Britain because the killing stopped, it was retrogressive for India. British educators and missionaries denounced Indian culture. The educated Indian elite became their agents – while not condemning the culture, they did not reject puritanical Victorian values which were put on a pedestal. In fact they claimed that Indian culture was originally similar to the Victorian one, which was both anti-pleasure and anti-sex.

The homophobia was so internalised by educated Indians that Pandit Madhavacharya in 1911 introduced the Kamasutra by saying that people should read the book for the right forms of love making and avoid the wrong ones.

However despite all the attempts by prudes, life went on and same-sex love survived in literature. One example is by Vikram Seth:

Some men like Jack
and some like Jill;
I’m glad I like
them both; but still

I wonder if
this freewheeling
really is an
enlightened thing –

or is its greater
scope a sign
of deviance from
some party line?

In the strict ranks
of Gay and Straight
What is my status?
Stray? or Great?



Maulana Abdul Kalam Azad, a respected Muslim theologian, placed heterosexual and homosexual desire on the same plane.

No one is worthy of being called a human unless he has crossed the Rubicon of love. He who has not experienced the intensity of desire or the deluge of tears is less than human. When the ascetic in the mosque bows his head in Namaz, despite all his piety and devotion, he cannot help enjoying thoughts of smiling Houris and Ghilmaans of Paradise. Even the super-ascetics who seek the truth in the recesses of the mosques are not free from these alluring images.


Sanskrit scholar and priest of the Vaishnav temple in Sri Rangam said that same-sex lovers must have been heterosexual lovers in previous births. While the sex may change, the souls remain the same and this impels the souls to seek out one another. He added:

Homosexuality is also a design of Nature. Earth is overpopulated by the human species and the Earth Mother – Bhoomi Devi – is no longer able to carry the burden. So this is one of Mother Nature’s way (sic) of combating population explosion. Nature will not allow any species to dominate completely … The sly human is exterminating vitally important insect, plant, and even mammalian life in order to make life for himself more luxurious.


Conclusion

Many examples on same-sex love and relationships exist in Indian history. I have done injustice by only quoting a few. What was love so sublime has been tarnished by modernity. Like in many other instances, what is glaring is ignored. Despite the various examples of same-sex love in Indian literature, people choose to ignore it as it causes them discomfort or worse, cognitive dissonance.

Gays and lesbians are not special. They have been made so by homophobia.

Homosexuality and Hinduism

Hinduism is the world’s oldest continuously practiced religion and Hindus constitute a sixth of the world’s population today. Most Hindus live in India but there are about 1.5 million Hindus, both Indians and non-Indians, in the U.S.A.

Modern Hindus regard all beings, including humans, animals, Gods and Goddesses, as manifestations of one universal Atman (Spirit). There is a Hindu deity and story related to almost every activity, inclination, and way of life. Every God and Goddess is seen as encompassing male, female, neuter, and all other possibilities.

Hinduism and sexuality. Hindu texts have discussed variations in gender and sexuality for over two millennia. Like the erotic sculptures on ancient Hindu temples at Khajuraho and Konarak, sacred texts in Sanskrit constitute irrefutable evidence that the whole range of sexual behavior was known to ancient Hindus. As Saleem Kidwai and Ruth Vanita demonstrated in Same-Sex Love in India: Readings from Literature and History, traditions of representing same-sex desire in literature and art continued in medieval Hinduism as well as Indian Islam. When Europeans arrived in India, they were shocked by Hinduism, which they termed idolatrous, and by the range of sexual practices, including same-sex relations, which they labeled licentious. British colonial rulers wrote modern homophobia into education, law and politics.

A marginal homophobic trend in pre-colonial India thus became dominant in modern India. Indian nationalists, including Hindus, internalized Victorian ideals of heterosexual monogamy and disowned indigenous traditions that contravened those ideals. Nevertheless, those traditions persisted, for example, in the very visible communities of hijras, transgendered males who have a semi-sacred status and often engage in sexual relations with men.

Hinduism sees all desire, including sexual desire, as problematic because it causes beings to be trapped in a cycle of death and rebirth. Procreative sex, circumscribed by many rules, is enjoined on householders, but non-procreative sex is disfavored. Most Hindu texts assume that everyone has a duty to marry and procreate.

However, Hindu devotional practice, philosophy and literature emphasize the eroticism of the Gods, and Kama (desire) as one of the four aims of life. In the earliest texts Kama is a universal principle of attraction. In the first millennium C.E., he becomes the God of love, a beautiful youth, who shoots irresistible arrows at people, uniting them with those they are destined to love, regardless of social inappropriateness.

Homosexuality and Hindu law. Ancient Hindu law books, from the first century onwards, categorize ayoni (non-vaginal sex) as impure. But penances prescribed for same-sex acts are very light compared to penances for some types of heterosexual misconduct, such as adultery and rape. The Manusmriti exhorts a man who has sex with a man or a woman in a cart pulled by a cow, or in water or by day to bathe with his clothes on (11.174). The Arthashastra imposes a minor fine on a man who has ayoni sex (4.13.236). Modern commentators misread the Manusmriti’s severe punishment of a woman’s manual penetration of a virgin (8.369-70) as anti-lesbian bias. In fact, the punishment is exactly the same for either a man (8.367) or a woman who does this act, and is related not to the partners’ genders but to the virgin’s loss of virginity and marriageable status. The Manusmriti does not mention a woman penetrating a non-virgin woman, and the Arthashastra prescribes a negligible fine for this act. The sacred epics and the Puranas (fourth to fourteenth-century compendia of devotional stories) contradict the law books; they depict Gods, sages, and heroes springing from ayoni sex. Unlike sodomy, ayoni sex never became a major topic of debate or an unspeakable crime. There is no evidence of anyone in India ever having been executed for same-sex relations.

Diversity in sex and gender. Hindu scriptures contain many surprising examples of diversity in both sex and gender. Medieval texts narrate how the God Ayyappa was born of intercourse between the God Shiva and Vishnu when the latter temporarily took a female form. A number of fourteenth-century texts in Sanskrit and Bengali (including the Krittivasa Ramayana, a devotional text still extremely popular today) narrate how hero-king Bhagiratha, who brought the sacred river Ganga from heaven to earth, was miraculously born to and raised by two co-widows, who made love together with divine blessing. These texts explain his name Bhagiratha from the word bhaga (vulva) because he was born of two vulvas.

Another sacred text, the fourth-century Kama Sutra, emphasizes pleasure as the aim of intercourse. It categorizes men who desire other men as a “third nature,” further subdivides them into masculine and feminine types, and describes their lives and occupations (such as flower sellers, masseurs and hairdressers). It provides a detailed description of oral sex between men, and also refers to long-term unions between men. Hindu medical texts dating from the first century C.E. provide taxonomies of gender and sexual variations, including same-sex desire.

Most modern Hindus are ignorant of this rich history, and believe the popular myth that homosexuality was imported into India either from medieval West Asia or from modern Euro-America. It is symptomatic of this ignorance that the democratic and secular Indian government has retained the British law criminalizing sodomy. The Indian LGBT movement is now challenging this law as unconstitutional.

Modern trends and views. Indian Hindus living in the U.S. maintain strong ties with India. Although influenced by modern homophobia they are also exposed to LGBT movements and literature. There are now many Indian LGBT groups in the U.S. and India, most of whose members are Hindu in origin. Trikone, the LGBT South Asian magazine published from San Francisco since 1986, carries many essays on Hinduism and homosexuality.

Rightwing Hindu groups, active both in India and the U.S., who aim to remake Hinduism as a militant nationalist religion, express virulent opposition to homosexuality, inaccurately claiming that it was unknown to ancient Hindus.

However, several modern Hindu teachers, who draw on traditional concepts of the self as genderless, emphasize that all desire, homosexual or heterosexual, is the same, and that aspirants must work through and transcend desire. Thus, when Swami Prabhavananda (1893-1976), founder of the Vedanta society in the U.S., heard of Oscar Wilde’s conviction, he remarked, “Poor man. All lust is the same.”

Hindu philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti (1895-1986), who set up a center in Ojai, California, said that homosexuality, like heterosexuality, has been a fact for thousands of years and becomes a problem only because humans over-focus on sex. When asked about homosexuality, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar (born 1956), founder of the international movement, Art of Living, said, “Every individual has both male and female in them. Sometimes one dominates, sometimes other, it is all fluid.”

Mathematician Shakuntala Devi, in her 1977 book, The World of Homosexuals, interviewed Srinivasa Raghavachariar, head priest of the Srirangam temple. He said that same-sex lovers must have been cross-sex lovers in a former life. The sex may change but the soul retains its attachments, hence the love impels these souls towards one another. In 2002, I interviewed a Shaiva priest who performed the marriage of two women; he told me that, having studied Hindu scriptures, he had concluded, “Marriage is a union of spirits, and the spirit is not male or female.”

As Amara Dasa, a Krishna devotee and founder of Gay and Lesbian Vaishnava Association (GALVA), notes in his recent book, Tritiya-Prakriti: People of the Third Sex, several Gaudiya Vaishnava authorities emphasize that since everyone passes through various forms, genders and species in a series of lives, we should not judge each other by the material body but view everyone equally on a spiritual plane, and be compassionate as God is.

Gay activist Ashok Row Kavi recounts that when he was studying at the Ramakrishna Mission, a monk told him the Mission was not a place to run away from himself, and that he should live boldly, ignoring social prejudice. Row Kavi went on to found the Indian gay magazine Bombay Dost. In 2004, Hindu right-wing leader K. Sudarshan denounced homosexuality. Row Kavi, identifying himself as “a faithful Hindu,” wrote an open letter to Sudarshan in the press. He asked Sudarshan to read ancient Hindu texts, and noted that modern homophobia is a Western import.

Despite these enlightened opinions, there is little discussion of the issue in most Hindu religious communities. Consequently, some teachers and most lay followers remain homophobic, which has driven many gay disciples out of religious communities and some, both in India and the U.S., even to suicide.

Indian newspapers, over the last 25 years, have reported several same-sex weddings and same-sex joint suicides, mostly by Hindu female couples in small towns, unconnected to any gay movement. Several weddings took place by Hindu rites, with some family support, while the suicides resulted from families forcibly separating lovers. In a forthcoming book Love’s Rite: Same-Sex Marriage in India and the West, Ruth Vanita analyzes these phenomena, which suggest the wide range of Hindu attitudes to homosexuality today.

The millennia-long debate in Hindu society, somewhat suppressed in the colonial period, has revived. In 2004, Hinduism Today reporter Rajiv Malik asked several Hindu swamis (teachers) their opinion of same-sex marriage. The swamis expressed a range of opinions, positive and negative. They felt free to differ with each other; this is evidence of the liveliness of the debate, made possible by the fact that Hinduism has no one hierarchy or leader. As Mahant Ram Puri remarked, “We do not have a rule book in Hinduism. We have a hundred million authorities.”

(Ruth Vanita is the author of Same-Sex Love in India: Readings from Literature and History, and Love’s Rite: Same-Sex Marriage in India and the West)

How to Maintain Romance

There is so much more involved in keeping romance alive than just candles, bubble baths, and foot massages. You each have to work at it in order to maintain and enjoy romance in your life. Here is how to feed the romantic fires in your relationship in a deep and meaningful way.

Truth is the ultimate aphrodisiac and a great way to create connection with your partner. For example, you might say "I feel safe when I am with you" or "Sometimes I feel scared that we get so busy with other things that we forget about creating close moments together, but I really want to be close with you." Just share your true feelings and speak from your experience. If you are concealing in your relationship, you will not feel connected, so consider making truth an ongoing priority in your life.
Appreciate yourself and your partner. Appreciation means "to grow in value, or to be sensitively aware of." Take time to understand just what it is that you like about yourself, and your partner. Saying for example, "I am doing a good job as a parent by taking time to hug the kids in the morning before they go off to school." or "I really appreciate how dedicated you are to your job." Successful relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio of appreciations to criticisms, so if you really want to heat up your relationship, start appreciating!
Listen. All humans crave being seen and heard. Being with your partner, and really listening to them can be magical for you both. Often, we want to fix their problems, but it is much more powerful to listen. Saying, "Wow, I can understand you are frustrated." or "That must have been hard on you." Let your partner know you're hearing them.
Create romance within yourself first. We often try to "get" our partners to be more romantic by believing we need to change them in order to have what we want. The truth is that you are much more likely to have what you want when 'you' show up in that way. For example, create your own romantic mood--dress, put on music, prepare sensuous foods, take some time to love and appreciate yourself. It will not take long for your partner to join in the fun!
Ask for what you want. Let your partner know that you are deeply interested in spending some romantic time with them (You would be surprised at how often they are unaware of this.) Whining, demanding, and manipulating are contrary to creating romance, so do your best to ask using kind and loving words.
Bring play back into your relationship. Levity is a sexy thing. If you are stuck in thoughts of how much housework you have to do, or that you might wake the kids, more than likely you will not feel romantic. Laugh about the ways that you take your self out of a romantic mood, and soon, you will be back in it.
Speak your partner's love language. We often become confused and disappointed by expecting the other person to do such and such romantic things. Do to your partner the things they like as well as you telling them what 'you' like, want, and expect. When you fulfill their needs and desires, you will end up receiving the same in return!
Accept each other unconditionally, respect each others wishes and dislikes. Keep the mystery and fascination to each other. Love each moment as if it is the last.



Communicate with your partner about what each of you wants in the area of romance, without making the other person feel wrong for their desires. One may want less romance, the other may want more, however by communicating, each can have what they want, it just may not look the way you think it is supposed to. For example, how could you create a romantic evening just for yourself? (This is a really powerful step to creating a life of joy!)


Many couples will subconsciously create an argument just when there is an opportunity for romance. This happens because we have conditioned ourselves to avoid intimate connection. We are afraid of being hurt when we are most open and vulnerable, thus we shut down without even realizing we are doing it. When this happens, take notice, without judging yourself or your partner. Instead try once more to spark a connection by using the steps above.

Being sarcastic with the one you love is not romantic or funny, unless both partners realize the mood.

learning to love yourself........................

According to the song written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed, Greatest Love of All "The greatest love of all / Is easy to achieve / Learning to love yourself / It is the greatest love of all." I agree that, for many people, self-love may be the greatest and most important love they ever experience in this lifetime. However, for so many people, "learning to love yourself" does not seem so "easy to achieve." For most of us, genuine self-love seems so elusive, so much harder to grasp than we expected. Now, I would like to give some practical suggestions - some first steps -- on how to learn to love yourself.

I have made the analogy that, if you keep giving to others without giving to yourself, it is like pouring water from a vessel. If you pour and pour without ever refilling it, eventually, it will run dry. So, if we are like that vessel, how do we refill, recharge, re-energize, and replenish ourselves, so that we will have energy and love to give to others and to the world? The answer is: by loving and giving to ourselves, first. How do we begin to do this?

There are many ways for us to love and to care for ourselves... The possibilities are infinite. One way to learn to love yourself is to act as if you already do (i.e., "Fake it till you make it"). An important way to love yourself is to nourish and care for your body: eat healthy foods and exercise regularly. You may want to "treat" yourself to things like a massage, a facial, a pedicure, or a gym membership. Taking breaks and having fun are important, as well. Whether alone, with a friend, or with a partner, you may want to have a night out on the town: go out for a nice dinner, go dancing, and/or attend the theater, a concert, the ballet, or a movie. If you tend to be a workaholic -- or if you are more a saver than a spender -- then perhaps it is time to take a well-deserved, long-overdue vacation. Of course, treating yourself does not need to involve great expense: you can take a bubble bath, eat dinner at home by candlelight, take a walk on the beach, swim in the ocean (those waters are very healing), or watch a sunset. Perhaps you enjoy taking time to paint or to write. These are just a few ideas... You can put your own imagination to work...

Another way to enhance self-love and self-esteem is to be aware of your self-talk (those things that you say to yourself inside your head). Speak to yourself in ways that are more kind, and less mean or abusive. Many of us have very harsh inner critics: When we make a mistake, this critical voice inside our head beats up on us, saying things like, "That was so stupid! ... I can't do anything right! ... What a loser!" We need to replace these negative messages with other, more positive ones. For example, "I made a mistake. That's okay: That is how I learn. I'll know better the next time." With awareness, over time, you can "catch yourself" when your self-talk is negative, and change the message to something more positive and "ego-enhancing."

Don't just "catch yourself being wrong." "Catch yourself being right." In other words, don't just catch the voice of your inner critic, and stop it from beating up on you. When you do something well, or when you find yourself saying the right things to yourself or to others, be sure to reward yourself: acknowledge yourself verbally, give yourself a pat on the back, or treat yourself to something special.

Yet another way you can learn to love yourself is by being in the practice of using positive affirmations. Take some time to come up with the qualities that you most want to embody. Choose about two or three to focus on for any one period of time. Then try this for at least a month: Repeat those qualities daily, telling yourself that you are those things, already. Whether or not you currently believe it, say it anyway... Again, "Fake it till you make it." For example, take time to tell yourself, each day, "I am happy and successful" or "I am beautiful and bright" or "I love my body: I feel healthy and in balance" or "I am loving, caring, and worthy of love" or "I am powerful and self-confident" ... whatever qualities you wish to be. You may want to write out these affirmations and post them someplace where you will see them regularly: on the bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator door, by the clock in your bedroom, atop your computer monitor, or somewhere in front of your desk at work. Even if, at first, you feel silly or uncomfortable repeating or reading these phrases, you may find that you grow into and become these qualities. You may even realize that you embodied them all along; you just had not realized it.

So, go ahead. Love yourself. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself well. Replenish yourself. You will discover that, the more you love yourself, the more you will be able to give love to others - and the more others will want to be around you and give back to you. This is a win-win situation. Loving yourself will ultimately benefit the lives of others you encounter, as well as your own life.

How to Break Up

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Like the song says, "Breaking Up is Hard to Do." Sooner or later, you may find that you want to leave a relationship, and you'll need to let the other person know. This article gives some suggestions to help you through the breakup.

Steps

1. Know for sure that you really do want to break up. If you are simply upset with your partner, you should consider talking about what upset you rather than ending the relationship.
   
2. Before having "the talk" that ends the relationship, think about the reasons you are breaking up. Your partner will ask you why you want out, and you should be prepared with answers. If you have trouble remembering examples during emotional discussions or arguments, write your reasons down in advance.
   
3. Plan out how long you are willing to spend "breaking up" and stick to your schedule. You may even want to arrange an appointment with a friend in a neutral location so that you can say "I'm supposed to meet John at the restaurant in fifteen minutes, so I have to go now."
   
4. Sit down with your partner and let him or her know that you need to have a serious talk. When asked "why?" or "about what?", simply respond that you've decided to end the relationship.
   
5. Expect your partner to do any or all of the following:
   
   • Question -- He or she will want to know why, and whether there was anything he or she could have done to prevent the breakup. Answer the questions as honestly as possible.
     
   • Cry -- The other person will likely be upset, and it will show. It is okay to comfort him or her, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your decision.
     
   • Argue -- He or she may dispute anything you've said during the breakup, including examples you used in your reasons for breaking up. Don't get dragged into a fight, and don't split hairs. Let your partner know that arguing isn't going to change your decision.
     
   • Bargain/Beg -- He or she may offer to change, or to do things differently in order to preserve the relationship. If the person didn't change when you've discussed your problems in the past, it is too late to expect him or her to truly change now.
     
   • Lash Out -- Whether it's as simple as saying "You'll never find anyone as good as me" or as scary as saying "I'll make you regret this", he or she is usually just trying to make himself or herself feel better.
     
   
   

Tips

• Expect to spend at least one hour "breaking up", and longer if the relationship lasted a year or more.
  
• If at all possible, break the news "on their turf," i.e. at his/her home. At least be somewhere that they feel comfortable. They'll want to feel safe enough to cry/get angry/make a scene in general. While they might be willing to do these things at your place, making someone go home after getting news like that will make them more bitter. If you both live together, breaking-up will be particularly problematic and stressful.
  
• Many people feel that it is poor etiquette to break up by phone, e-mail, or through an instant messenger system. It is easier to break up with someone if you don't have to look the person in the eye, but you may lose the respect of your mutual friends if you take the easy way out.
  
• If you are sure you want to break up with somebody, it is best done sooner rather than later. However, if your partner has had a particularly bad day already, you may want to consider waiting for a better moment. Breaking up with them when they are already down will make them feel awful.
  
• While honesty is the best policy, you may want to soften the blow by avoiding sensitive issues (for example, most don't want to hear "I'm breaking up with you because your breath smells" ). However, being too vague can cause the other person to become even more upset.
  
• If at all possible, don't disappear as a method of ending a relationship. It shows a lack of respect both for the person and the relationship you had.
  
• Break up with him/her somewhere other than your house, workplace (etc.), because if you are over at their house, it is easy for you to leave, however if they are at your house, it could be tough to get rid of them.
  

Warnings

• Never threaten that you will break up with your partner. If you have problems or concerns, work through them or break up. Threats will only make a relationship worse and their impact tends to diminish with repeated use.
  
• Threats of physical harm are serious and should not be ignored. If you feel that your safety is at risk, contact the police as soon as it is safe to do so and request a restraining order, but do use your judgment before doing so.
  
• There will be a period of time, often 2 days to a week, during which your ex partner will attempt to revenge for the break-up. Don't be excessively angry with, lash out at or disown him/her. Breaking up is painful and certain people respond to pain with revenge. Let the time pass, let your ex get all their anger and frustration out, before you try to talk to them. However, if it gets out of hand, violent, disruptive or abusive, contact the police when safe.
  
• Keep your distance from your ex for a minimum of two weeks, it will only make it harder for them with you sticking around. You may also consider getting back into the relationship and that is the last thing you should do.
  
• NEVER break up with him/her though an email, txt message, write a note voicemail. And definitely don't break up with him/her and then not tell him/her.
  
• Never have one of your friends, or his/her friends do it.
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Get Over a Break Up
  
• How to Break up With Someone Using Style and Sensitivity
  
• How to Deal With a Cheater
  
• How to End a Relationship
  
• How to Kiss Goodnight
  

Sources and Citations

• http://breakupchronicles.com
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Break Up. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

making decision?

Life is like a road. There are long and short roads; smooth and rocky roads; crooked and straight paths. In our life many roads would come our way as we journey through life. There are roads that lead to a life of single blessedness, marriage, and religious vocation. There are also roads that lead to fame and fortune on one hand, or isolation and poverty on the other. There are roads to happiness as there are roads to sadness, roads towards victory and jubilation, and roads leading to defeat and disappointment.



Just like any road, there are corners, detours, and crossroads in life. Perhaps the most perplexing road that you would encounter is a crossroad. With four roads to choose from and with limited knowledge on where they would go, which road will you take? What is the guarantee that we would choose the right one along the way? Would you take any road, or just stay where you are: in front of a crossroad?



There are no guarantees.



You do not really know where a road will lead you until you take it. There are no guarantees. This is one of the most important things you need to realize about life. Nobody said that choosing to do the right thing all the time would always lead you to happiness. Loving someone with all your heart does not guarantee that it would be returned. Gaining fame and fortune does not guarantee happiness.



Accepting a good word from an influential superior to cut your trip short up the career ladder is not always bad, especially if you are highly qualified and competent. There are too many possible outcomes, which your really cannot control. The only thing you have power over is the decisions that you will make, and how you would act and react to different situations.

problems?

The failure to arrive at a decision causes a person to go round and
round and round in maddening circles. The person ponders over the
same information over and over. It is this failure to grasp a
problem that creates nervous breakdowns. Once a decision is made, a
clear, definite course of action opens up. Once a decision is acted
on, a flow of courage and energy opens up new possibilities.

There is no guarantee that the decision is correct. Not making a
decision, however, can result in disaster.

You can arrive at a decision in a baffling situation by writing down
four steps.

Step one: Write down what the problem is.
Step two: Write down what you can do about it.
Step three: Decide, or choose, what to do.
Step four: Act on it as soon as possible.

This method should not be underestimated because it is so simple. It
is efficient, concrete, and strikes at the root of the issue.
Decision-making puts an end to an endless loop of fact-finding and
increasingly bewildering analysis. Once sufficient facts are in, and
once sufficient analysis has been done - make a decision and act on
it.

Decisions are powerful because they lead to action. Action is a
positive effort to resolve the problem.

Sometimes problems do go away on their own. Sometimes they need
decisive action. Sometimes you need to wait to get more information.
But whether you decide to ignore, act, or wait - do decide rather
than wallow in uncertainty.

Seldom are decisions life and death issues. Often enough, you have
to make the wrong decision so as to later on arrive at the correct
one. It is not possible to be wholly accurate, but it is possible to
find the right route by taking all the wrong ones first.

It is self-destructive to refuse to confront a situation. When you
deal with it, you're on your way to resolving it.

Above all, decide. Waite Phillips, one of Oklahoma's most prominent
of oil men, once said. "I find that to keep thinking about our
problems beyond a certain point is bound to create confusion and
worry. There comes a time when any more investigation and thinking
are harmful. There comes a time when we must decide and act and
never look back."

Once you have made a careful decision based on the available facts,
swing into action. Avoid hesitation, reconsideration, retracing your
steps. Follow the advice of William James: "When once a decision is
reached and execution is the order of the day, dismiss absolutely
all responsibility and care about the outcome.

free...........................

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