Thursday, March 13, 2008

SEXY JOKES......

parents
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!" The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

Why Studying Is Better Than Sex
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

A Favor
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..Do you have a piece of gum?

After the Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him."Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?""Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.""He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him.""You did," came the reply. "And he fired you.""Well, screw him!" said John."I did. You're back at work on Monday.

An Hour of Pleasure
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"


American Beer
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex."Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused."Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.That makes things grow."Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him."I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor."Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

How Many Women
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?""Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her."Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Growing Wild
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"The first little old lady says, "Look at that.""When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.""When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.""When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.""When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.""When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.""When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.""When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.""And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

Lifetime Savings
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

Grilling Remarks
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

First Visit
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family."We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably."I'm sure we’ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.""Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

Popular guy
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and adozen donuts.

Grass Sandwich
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

First Thing to do after Jail
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.The only thing he said was, "F.F."His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."She responded simply, "E.F."He repeated, "F.F."She again replied, "E.F.""Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

Excuse Me, Your Fly Is Unzipped
1. "The cucumber has left the salad." 2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out." 3. "Your soldier aren’t so unknown now." 4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells." 5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!" 6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."

Math Lesson
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Do women have it better?
Seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."

Gold Medalist
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.""How so?""He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

Loving on the Lawn
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel", replied the madam."Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man."Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

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