Tuesday, March 18, 2008

how to break up?


How to Break Up


from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Like the song says, "Breaking Up is Hard to Do." Sooner or later, you may find that you want to leave a relationship, and you'll need to let the other person know. This article gives some suggestions to help you through the breakup.

Steps


  1. Know for sure that you really do want to break up. If you are simply upset with your partner, you should consider talking about what upset you rather than ending the relationship.
  2. Before having "the talk" that ends the relationship, think about the reasons you are breaking up. Your partner will ask you why you want out, and you should be prepared with answers. If you have trouble remembering examples during emotional discussions or arguments, write your reasons down in advance.
  3. Plan out how long you are willing to spend "breaking up" and stick to your schedule. You may even want to arrange an appointment with a friend in a neutral location so that you can say "I'm supposed to meet John at the restaurant in fifteen minutes, so I have to go now."
  4. Sit down with your partner and let him or her know that you need to have a serious talk. When asked "why?" or "about what?", simply respond that you've decided to end the relationship.
  5. Expect your partner to do any or all of the following:
    • Question -- He or she will want to know why, and whether there was anything he or she could have done to prevent the breakup. Answer the questions as honestly as possible.
    • Cry -- The other person will likely be upset, and it will show. It is okay to comfort him or her, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your decision.
    • Argue -- He or she may dispute anything you've said during the breakup, including examples you used in your reasons for breaking up. Don't get dragged into a fight, and don't split hairs. Let your partner know that arguing isn't going to change your decision.
    • Bargain/Beg -- He or she may offer to change, or to do things differently in order to preserve the relationship. If the person didn't change when you've discussed your problems in the past, it is too late to expect him or her to truly change now.
    • Lash Out -- Whether it's as simple as saying "You'll never find anyone as good as me" or as scary as saying "I'll make you regret this", he or she is usually just trying to make himself or herself feel better.



Tips


  • Expect to spend at least one hour "breaking up", and longer if the relationship lasted a year or more.
  • If at all possible, break the news "on their turf," i.e. at his/her home. At least be somewhere that they feel comfortable. They'll want to feel safe enough to cry/get angry/make a scene in general. While they might be willing to do these things at your place, making someone go home after getting news like that will make them more bitter. If you both live together, breaking-up will be particularly problematic and stressful.
  • Many people feel that it is poor etiquette to break up by phone, e-mail, or through an instant messenger system. It is easier to break up with someone if you don't have to look the person in the eye, but you may lose the respect of your mutual friends if you take the easy way out.
  • If you are sure you want to break up with somebody, it is best done sooner rather than later. However, if your partner has had a particularly bad day already, you may want to consider waiting for a better moment. Breaking up with them when they are already down will make them feel awful.
  • While honesty is the best policy, you may want to soften the blow by avoiding sensitive issues (for example, most don't want to hear "I'm breaking up with you because your breath smells" ). However, being too vague can cause the other person to become even more upset.
  • If at all possible, don't disappear as a method of ending a relationship. It shows a lack of respect both for the person and the relationship you had.
  • Break up with him/her somewhere other than your house, workplace (etc.), because if you are over at their house, it is easy for you to leave, however if they are at your house, it could be tough to get rid of them.


Warnings


  • Never threaten that you will break up with your partner. If you have problems or concerns, work through them or break up. Threats will only make a relationship worse and their impact tends to diminish with repeated use.
  • Threats of physical harm are serious and should not be ignored. If you feel that your safety is at risk, contact the police as soon as it is safe to do so and request a restraining order, but do use your judgment before doing so.
  • There will be a period of time, often 2 days to a week, during which your ex partner will attempt to revenge for the break-up. Don't be excessively angry with, lash out at or disown him/her. Breaking up is painful and certain people respond to pain with revenge. Let the time pass, let your ex get all their anger and frustration out, before you try to talk to them. However, if it gets out of hand, violent, disruptive or abusive, contact the police when safe.
  • Keep your distance from your ex for a minimum of two weeks, it will only make it harder for them with you sticking around. You may also consider getting back into the relationship and that is the last thing you should do.
  • NEVER break up with him/her though an email, txt message, write a note voicemail. And definitely don't break up with him/her and then not tell him/her.
  • Never have one of your friends, or his/her friends do it.


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